I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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