Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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