Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
