I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We need to get me chipped asap
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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