i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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