Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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