So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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