hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
