I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
