The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
