you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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