does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
