I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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