so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
