She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
