I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
