I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think people are normalizing furries
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
