Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
