My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
