the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
