$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
