My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
