you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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