she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
