I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
