bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
