as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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