The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
