and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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