I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
