Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Oh god it's open bar.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
