he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
