You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
