i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
