Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
