life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he thought i was a dude.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
