I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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