Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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