just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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