you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
