ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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