He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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