I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
