You smell like stripper and shame
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
