so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
