I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
