He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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