I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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