you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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