I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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