I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
