My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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