Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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