The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
